Batman of the Philosophy Department
G.K Chesterton threatening to murder nihilists, and why modern philosophy is so badly written.
Imagine a vigilante who stalked philosophers who had concluded, in some form or another, that non-being was preferable to being. That life was absurd, or everything was about power, or it’s impossible to justify the suffering of existence, or whatever flavor of that.
This vigilante would follow that philosopher for days or weeks, finding out where he slept, where he ate, where he smoked his cigarettes. One night, dressed as some hulking, monstrous figure, maybe a bat, he would sneak into the philosopher’s bedroom, yank him out of his sleep, haul him somewhere no one would hear, and believably threaten to end his life.
The philosopher would, every time, beg and plead to be spared. The vigilante, well versed in his philosophy, says he will quiz him first and kill him afterward: If everything is about power, there’s nothing intrinsically wrong with a vigilante using his power to do whatever he wants with the philosopher. If being is worse than non-being, the philosopher should be thrilled at his impending exit. If you can’t justify the suffering of being, the vigilante is about to do him a huge favor by making it quick.
Inevitably, each time, the philosopher would disavow his ideas, begging for the chance to continue living. At which point the vigilante would fire his weapon, seeming to make good on his promise. For just an instant, the philosopher would truly believe his time was up. But the vigilante will have missed. The philosopher does not know the miss was intentional. Then, without a word of explanation, he vanishes into the night.
Right afterward, without fail, the philosopher sees everything anew. The stars shine with some kind of meaningful glory. Each breath is a tremendous relief from its previous exhale. Distant air conditioning units hum with the reassurance of a miraculously cooperative society. Tears swell in his eyes. He shouts for joy. He calls his mother. If everything goes according to the vigilante’s plan, he’ll begin to backtrack his public nihilism. If not, at least live more knowingly of his lie.
I borrowed some of the details here from an episode in G.K. Chesterton’s Manalive, mixed, I think helpfully, with some Batman flair. Because when I was in college, I studied philosophy, and that department is like Gotham. It has largely failed as a social project. It is now the home of fear, hypocrisy, and social parasites. You could imagine that if a Batman-like figure were philosophically inclined, he might see some potential in dressing up as a personification of all of these fears, and showing these people, face to face, exactly what it is they’re succumbing to. That might wake them the hell up and give them a chance not to abuse their influence on the minds of young people.
